What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:08
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do happily married husbands cheat?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What is one thing you've learned from life?
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Consequatur corporis quos perspiciatis tenetur vel totam.
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She loved him until the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was in good health!
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
It was going to be , some day.
I was seconnd youngest,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
One cannot live in the past .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I will be 64.
But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Who then, do I blame.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
And i lived it daily.
We all went to grammer schools
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
But ive been too sick for many years..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.